What To Do When Your Child Refuses (to Get a Haircut, Brush their Teeth, Get Ready for School…)
We have all been there, struggling to get our child to cooperate with a seemingly simple routine at home. I think all of us parents can relate to the stress and frustration this causes all round. Especially when these moments are appearing more and more throughout your week (or even every day!).
Parents across the globe right now are struggling. Not just in the face of the worldwide pandemic, but also within the smaller context of their closest relationships. Somehow, parents and their children are finding themselves more at odds with each other, almost in a power struggle to get through the day.
Dealing With Stressful Situations
I found myself in one of these stressful situations just last week, when I was planning to get my son’s haircut. Just before we crashed and burned, I remembered my emotional intelligence techniques. This was NOT a perfect situation, but I have since spoken about it to many of my coaching clients and they have found it incredibly helpful for their own situations. I knew after it had happened that I needed to share it with you all! So here’s what happened:
My son and I were in the car and I suggested getting a haircut as school was starting back again soon. We had free time before picking up his sister, so it was great timing - in my eyes.
When Emotions Run High, Logic and Reasoning are Low
As soon as I suggested it, my son who’s 7, became irritated. He bluntly refused and as I tried to work it out with him, he became increasingly upset. I was surprised by his reaction - he is usually easygoing - and so I felt myself becoming frustrated as well. I dropped the idea pretty quickly but in my mind the ‘damage was done’.
He was so upset he didn’t want to talk to me even as we got home. I knew we both needed time to cool off before I approached it again. When our child is distressed, there is very little benefit to doing lots of talking and attempting to use logic and reasoning. Why? This part of their brain is ‘offline’ and you will not get much engagement from them at all. (It often actually adds fuel to the fire).
How To Solve Problems and Overcome Refusal, Defiance and Stubbornness.
After taking time to reflect, I switched into gear. I was annoyed at myself that I let him get so upset, but had to accept that I am human and am never going to be the perfect parent! Sigh. The game-changer: I remembered the problem-solving method I use with my clients.
I had a conversation with him when he was calm, much later that day. In this structured conversation, parents are able to get to the bottom of what is getting in the child’s way of doing the task or meeting the expectation. They also get to brainstorm together some solutions that will work for both the child and parent. It’s such a powerful approach!
In just a few minutes, he opened up and explained what was making it hard for him to get a haircut. I thought it was because he just “didn’t like it”. Nope - he told me FIVE reasons. This part of the conversation, hearing what’s really stopping your child from doing the task, is the most brilliant because it then helps you work out solutions to those exact problems, therefore eliminating the challenging resistive behaviour. My son’s issues were:
1. I get bored
2. My neck gets itchy
3. My arms and legs are sore afterwards
4. I don’t get the haircut I want
5. It takes too long
Hearing these was eye-opening, especially point 4. I had no idea that this was one of the issues underneath… which is what usually happens to parents when they see their child refusing to do something. We miss the deeper problems, which in turn cause rudeness, defiance, and lashing out behaviours.
Solving Problems to Reduce Behaviours
My son and I came up with some simple yet very effective solutions to his problems. We took his Nintendo Switch so he didn’t get bored, a collared shirt and a peg so we could clip the collar together over his neck so it didn’t get itchy, found a Pinterest photo of a haircut he liked, and agreed on a max. 10 minute haircut. We might not always be able to solve all the difficulties - I didn’t know how to stop his arms and legs getting sore after the haircut - but the other solutions were enough. He agreed to get a haircut two days later and it was a breeze. We didn’t use rewards or punishments, no shaming or shouting, just solving the problems that were making it hard for him to get a haircut.
This is why it is so important to never see a child’s behaviour on the surface level, or to try and stop or suppress it through rewards and punishment. We MUST find out the underlying problems that are causing the challenging behaviour and overcome those, together with our child.
If you need support to deal with your child’s behaviour, reach out to me using the contact form. I offer free 20 min consults to parents who are serious and ready to change the connections in their family for good. Let’s do this!
Don’t forget to join my community and learn more here: Let’s Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids.
