Co-Regulation And Why Every Parent Needs To Know How To Do It.

Co-regulation is a term that is still relatively new to many parents. It’s also becoming a bit of a buzzword in the online space - and for good reason. As a parent coach, I support parents to deal with their child’s big emotions and challenging behaviour, every day.

The old ways of shaping a child’s behaviour through rewards and punishment are outdated. We have so much knowledge now that replaces these paradigms - all backed by neuroscience research. The practice of co-regulation has come right out of that, and we are beginning to have a clear understanding that this is both the most effective, most durable in the long term and most respectful way to calm a distressed child.

What is Co-Regulation?

Co-regulation is the process of a calm, regulated person providing support and care to a distressed, dysregulated person. Of course here we are imagining the person providing support to be the parent, and the receiver to be the child. When a parent co-regulates with a child, it means they are bringing their own loving, attuned energy and body to their child in order to bring a sense of safety and calm.

When would we use Co-Regulation with our child?

When our child is in a state of stress (for example upset, angry, fearful, anxious), this is a clear signal that their nervous system is ‘dysregulated’. This is relatively easy to notice in a child, unless the parent is highly distracted, busy or not at all attuned to their child’s emotional state and mood. In saying that, it does require an awareness of the ‘iceberg’ of a child, and the ability to look beyond the behaviour.

A child who is in this state is demonstrating that they don’t have the necessary skills or tools to adapt to the situation at hand. Something’s getting in the way, something is too hard for them right now, in this moment. 

Is Co-Regulating coddling?

Absolutely not. When we realise the neuroscience behind emotion and behaviour, we see that a child in a state of distress and dysregulation NEEDS a caring, attuned adult to facilitate their calming and re-regulating. Simply because the child lacks the cognitive and emotional capacity and skills (not the motivation!), to do so themselves, it is our job to show our child how to do this. In order for a child to know how to calm themselves down independently, they must first experience feeling a sense of calm many, many (read: thousands of) times. We can still hold our boundaries here (“I know you want more ice cream, oh it is so hard when we can’t have what we want. We can’t have any more ice cream today. It’s ok to be upset about that.”) and yet we can hold space for our child’s emotions with love and empathy.

How do I Co-Regulate with my child when they’re upset?

Co-Regulating with your child is an incredibly personalised process. What calms one child may trigger another. For example, hugs and rocking may calm one kiddo, but can elevate another into a further stressed state. Co-regulating means creating a sense of safety amid your child’s big emotions and dysregulation. This safety is ‘in the eye of the beholder’. It is our role as a parent to find out what actions calm our child’s nervous system in these moments. Trial and error is a wonderful method! 

Can my child help me know what calms them?

Asking your child what they think helps them and their body when they’re upset can be so beneficial. Ask them and they may surprise you! A parent I worked with recently followed my advice around this, and her son very quickly blew her away by responding “You always talk way too much! It makes my brain get even more overloaded!” So the parent learned to dial down the amount of words they used (and the volume and pitch) when their son was dysregulated. It is important to note though that many children do not have this awareness yet - so it is up to us parents to discern what is helpful for our child’s nervous system in emotionally-charged moments.

A final note: The power of the breath. 
The breath is the most direct route to bringing our nervous system into a state of regulation. Slow, regular, deep breathing is a highly effective way to send cues of calm and safety to the brain and body. Rather than telling a distressed child to calm or slow their breathing down (which is very hard to do in the midst of big emotions) we need to practice getting good at employing this technique ourselves, in order to co-regulate with the little people around us.

If you are struggling with your child’s challenging behaviour, and feel like a shouty, snappy parent, reach out. I coach parents to shift the way they react to their child in day-to-day situations so that they can bring the calm back to the home. Let’s do this together!

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