How To Stop Struggling And Start Embracing Your Child's Big Emotions.
Do you ever find yourself struggling with your child’s ‘big’ emotions? You might become triggered, stressed out, or just feel unsure what to do, when your child is becoming overwhelmed. Is tending to them being soft? Is allowing them to be mad or upset, permissive?
If they’re questions you’ve asked yourself, like I used to, then this article is for you!
I’m sharing with you 10 things you need to understand, PLUS strategies you can use when your child is having a big emotional response to something in their day. Know that this information is grounded in science, meaning that it’s supported by the research for raising resilient, confident, self-aware kids.
1. Understand the neuroscience behind your child's emotions and behaviour.
When your children have big emotional responses, it’s because their brain and nervous system are responding to stress. We’re talking fight, flight, or freeze. Without understanding this, you will become confused, frustrated, and even see your children's behaviour as being manipulative or intentionally difficult.
But here’s the thing, this old lens on behaviour is now severely outdated.
We now have a better understanding of how children’s emotions work as a result of advances in neuroscience research. It’s critical in helping us to manage their stress responses. Although there’s still much to learn, we’ve gained a lot of knowledge in the past two decades, which is far more than what our own parents had when raising us. By shifting our perspective and viewing our child’s behaviour through the right lens, we can support and guide them through their emotional journeys in a positive and constructive way.
So embrace science and explore the fascinating intricacies of your child’s brain and nervous system. There are several ways you can gain this understanding. For example, you can watch YouTube videos like mine here or read my other blogs on parenting and neuroscience. Additionally, you can join my Facebook community called Let's Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids, where I regularly share resources on this topic.
2. Managing your triggers when your child is emotional or challenging you.
It’s okay to admit that it's hard for you. Don’t try to push it away or think that punishing your child more or teaching them better behaviour is the solution. Instead, take this as an opportunity for you to do some self-development and examine why these emotions are triggering for you. It’s an opportunity to understand yourself better, exploring your own upbringing, and experiences with emotions.
3. Get curious and ask yourself WHY.
“Why do my child’s big emotions trigger me so much?” Maybe you feel uneasy, uncomfortable or downright stressed when your child is angry or frustrated. Whatever it may be, it's important to acknowledge and accept your own feelings here and begin to understand the root of your triggers. Then you can take steps to overcome them. Don’t just ignore or suppress these reactions, as that won't serve you or your child. So ask yourself: “What experiences or beliefs do I have that make me react this way?” Be honest with yourself and explore these questions with an open mind.
4. Raise your awareness of your programming.
Just like a computer, your ‘programming’ has been shaped by every experience you’ve had up until this point, which influences the way you perceive, think, and act. In essence, you are the sum total of your beliefs, habits, patterns, and paradigms, all formed by your life experiences. And we all have different programming because our upbringings and conditioning are unique. That’s why one parent may be triggered by their child’s swearing, seeing it as disrespectful and unacceptable, while another parent may not even flinch.
There’s no right or wrong way to be programmed. But it’s important to acknowledge and understand your programming because it plays a huge part in what triggers you.
5. Know that your childhood experiences shape your beliefs and behaviours as a parent.
I once coached a mother who revealed during our sessions that when she was a child, even the slightest hint of anger on her face would result in her and her siblings being sent to their rooms to deal with it. Her father’s message was clear: "Never show anger to others." As a result, she learnt to suppress her anger and never express it openly. This was a very unproductive and unhelpful way of dealing with her emotions.
6. Then, realise that your upbringing shapes how you deal with your own feelings.
I once worked with a father who claimed to have only witnessed his own dad cry twice in his lifetime. The first time, he hid away so his son wouldn't see him cry. The second time, he went out to the backyard to deal with it alone then came back composed. This dad learned that sadness and grief are not acceptable emotions to show.
No wonder so many parents may struggle with accepting and helping their own children through difficult emotions. They were raised with the belief that it's not okay to show emotions.
7. Unlearn the lessons you've learnt around emotions being silly or intolerable.
Emotions are highly intelligent messages coming from within your body about what the situation is bringing up for you and what steps you might need to take. For example, anger can signal that a boundary has been crossed or that you've experienced an injustice and need to speak up or make a change.
I challenge you to unlearn the belief that emotions are bad, childish, manipulative, or a sign of weakness. Emotions are a natural, normal part of being human, just like having a nose. They're valuable and insightful, and we can learn from them.
8. Respond to your child’s emotions with empathy.
Empathy transforms parent-child relationships. Imagine the impact on your child, yourself, and your relationship if you could embrace and respond to their emotions with empathy. Instead of brushing aside whatever your child is upset about, simply try saying, "I think I understand how you feel. I get angry too when things seem unfair."
Let them know you're there for them and that they can express themselves freely with you. Honestly, it can make all the difference.
9. Practice stepping into a space where you can witness, be curious, and hold space for your child's big emotions.
Allowing any and all emotions is necessary, but not all behaviour. It's important to draw a line between accepting emotions and accepting harmful, dangerous, or physically aggressive behaviour.
When it comes to emotions, if your child is upset or angry, it’s important to allow them to feel those emotions without immediately trying to fix the situation. Let them release that energy. Allow them to feel upset or angry and be okay with it.
10. This is crucial: Commit to breaking the cycle.
It may sound simple, but it's not easy. We have been conditioned for years, we've had thousands of experiences, and changing our ways can be a real challenge. However, it's essential to make a conscious decision to break the cycle and not subject our own children to the same negative experiences we had.
Experts, educators, psychologists, and neuroscientists agree: we need to let our kids feel their emotions and get out of the way. Stop hindering them and blocking their energy. Allowing them to express their emotions is critical; otherwise, they will suppress them, accumulating more stress and lacking coping mechanisms. Mental health days will become a thing of the past, burnouts will be common, and self-destructive behaviours will emerge.
I hope these 10 points were helpful in shifting your perspective and providing valuable insights. Don't forget to share your thoughts and feedback in the comments below, and if you haven't already, join our community on Facebook at Let's Raise Emotionally Intelligent Kids.
If you need some support, whether it’s through one-on-one coaching or joining the Chaos to Connection program with other parents, don’t hesitate to reach out. You can find all the information about my services here.