Let me ask you something—have you ever snapped at your child, raised your voice, or said something in the heat of the moment that you instantly regretted?

Maybe your toddler hurled their dinner across the room (again). Maybe your 10-year-old muttered “Whatever” while walking away. Or maybe, in the middle of a heated argument with your partner, you brought up that thing they did three months ago that you thought you were over, but... turns out, maybe not.

Yeah. We've all been there.

Here’s what I want you to know, loud and clear: Messing up is not just likely, it’s guaranteed.

As a parent, a partner, a human... it’s unavoidable. You will yell. You will say things you wish you hadn’t. You’ll roll your eyes, slam a door, or go quiet when you should speak up.

But here’s the good news: It’s not the rupture that defines your relationship—it’s the repair.

So instead of fearing those messy moments, we need to get really good at what comes next. This blog is your warm and practical guide to:

Repairing with your child after you yell or lose your cool
Teaching your child how to repair when they mess up
Navigating emotional shutdowns (whether yours or your partner’s)
And building emotional intelligence in the most real, human way possible

Let’s dive in.

1. Normalise the Mess-Ups

We don’t talk about this enough: emotional intelligence doesn’t mean you never mess up. It means you know how to own it when you do.

Yelling doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. It means you’re dysregulated, and human.
Repair is where the real magic of connection and trust-building happens.
I remember one argument we had at home... and later, my husband came back to repair, to apologise, and connect. I LOVED it, I felt seen, and we resolved the issue quickly.

2. What to Do After You Yell: Use The Repair Checklist

Use the 5-step Repair Checklist to reconnect after a rupture (see poster you can save below!)

Regulate yourself first – You can’t connect if you're still in fight/flight.
Acknowledge the rupture – “I yelled earlier, and that was scary. I'm sorry.”
Validate your child’s feelings – “It’s okay to feel upset. I would too.”
Take ownership – “That wasn’t your fault. I let my stress get the better of me.”
Offer reconnection – “Can we have a cuddle?” or “Let’s take a moment together.”

Key tip: Don’t expect your child/partner to instantly bounce back.

I think of it like: Give space, but keep the door open.

3. How Repair Builds Emotional Intelligence

Every time you repair, you are modeling:

Self-awareness
Empathy
Accountability

You’re showing your child (and your partner!) that it’s okay to feel, to mess up, and to make it right.

P.S. Most of us never saw this growing up. So if it feels foreign and scary, you’re not alone.

4. Teaching Your Kids to Repair

Teach your kids real repair—not just saying “sorry.”
Help them reflect, take ownership, and make amends with simple actions like a hug, a drawing, or offering to play again.
Try phrases like: “We can fix this,” or “How do you think they felt?” to guide them toward empathy and connection.

💬 Why It’s Hard for People Who Go Quiet to Start Repair

Shutting down (aka stonewalling, freezing, withdrawing) is often misunderstood. But there’s so much going on under the surface:

Nervous system overload

Their body goes into freeze mode for protection.

Fear of making it worse

Silence can feel safer than risking another argument.

Low emotional vocabulary

They might feel a lot, but not know how to say it.

Shame and guilt

The longer they stay quiet, the harder it feels to come back.

Learned patterns

If emotions weren’t welcome growing up, repair may not feel familiar.

How to Start Repair If You Tend to Shut Down

Start small and gentle. Here’s how:

Know your shutdown signs

Blank mind? Tight chest? Numb? Notice your cues.

Take space, but name it

Try: “I need a little time to calm down so I can come back and talk this through.”

Use low-pressure openers

“I’ve been thinking about what happened and I want to talk.”
“I’m sorry for shutting down. I felt overwhelmed.”
“Can we start fresh?”

Practice small, brave steps

One sentence. That’s it. Reconnection is the goal, not perfection.

Reframe conflict

Conflict doesn’t mean something’s broken. It means something matters.

Use the EI Repair Checklist

Having a guide helps take the pressure off.

Repair isn’t failure—it’s emotional courage.

Each time you repair, you build safety, trust, and resilience, showing your kids (and yourself) that love isn’t about perfection—it’s about coming back, again and again.

So You Lost Your Sh*t. What to Do After You Yell (and How to Teach Your Kids to Repair Too)